The Blame Game
When something does not go our way, it is often easy to find someone or something else to blame.
It was because of my boss. My partner made it difficult. Everyone else does the same thing. I did not have the right opportunity. The circumstances were against me.
Sometimes those things may even be true. There are circumstances in life that we cannot control, and there are things that happen to us that are genuinely not our fault.
But there is a danger when blaming others becomes our normal response. Because the moment everything becomes someone else’s fault, we also remove responsibility from ourselves. And if we have no responsibility, we have no reason to take action.
That is where the blame game can begin to hold us back.
What Can You Actually Control?
I am not saying that everything that happens in our lives is our fault. It is not.
There are things we cannot control. Other people make decisions that affect us. Companies change. Relationships end. We may experience difficult circumstances, illness, loss, or things from our past that we never chose.
But even when we cannot control what happens, we often still have some control over what we do next. That distinction is important.
Instead of asking only, “Whose fault is this?” perhaps a more useful question is:
What can I do about it now?
That question brings responsibility back to us. And with responsibility comes the possibility of change.
The Everyday Blame Game
The blame game does not always appear in major life situations. Often it shows up in very ordinary things.
Imagine that I want to lose weight, but my partner regularly brings home chips, sweets, and other things I am trying not to eat.
I could say: “If my partner did not buy those things, I would not gain weight.”
And yes, perhaps it would be easier if my partner supported my goal and did not bring those things home. But my partner is still not the person putting the food in my mouth. That choice is mine.
Or perhaps I am unhappy with how much I earn.
“My employer will not pay me more.”
That may be completely true. Maybe the company cannot afford to pay more. Maybe they do not believe my current performance justifies a higher salary. Maybe there are other reasons.
But what can I do?
I can ask what I need to improve. I can develop new skills. I can become better at what I do. I can look for another position. I can find another way to increase my income.
I may not be able to control what my employer decides. But I can control what I decide to do next.
The same applies to something as simple as arriving late to work.
“But everyone else comes late.”
Maybe they do. But everyone else is not responsible for when I arrive. I am.
Responsibility Gives You Options
This is why I believe the blame game can be so damaging when we want to change our lives. Not physically damaging, perhaps, but damaging to our growth.
If I constantly believe that other people are responsible for where I am, then I also give those people control over whether my life can change.
I want more freedom, but someone else is stopping me. I want better health, but someone else makes it difficult. I want a better career, but my employer will not give me the opportunity. I want to fulfil my dreams, but my circumstances are wrong.
If everything depends on someone else changing first, I may wait for a very long time.
But when I begin asking what I can change, something happens. I get options again.
Not always easy options. Not always quick ones. But options.
What Are Your Mistakes Teaching You?
Blaming others can also prevent us from learning from our mistakes.
John C. Maxwell wrote a book called Failing Forward, built around the idea that failure and mistakes can become part of our growth when we learn from them.
I believe there is a lot of truth in that.
We are going to make mistakes. I have made many, and I will make more. But if every mistake immediately becomes somebody else’s fault, what am I supposed to learn from it?
If I say, “It happened because of them,” I can walk away without examining my own decisions.
If instead I ask, “What could I have done differently?” I may discover something that helps me the next time.
That does not mean taking responsibility for things that genuinely belonged to someone else. It means being willing to look honestly at the part that belonged to me.
Sometimes the Blame Goes Back Years
The blame game can also reach much further back. We can blame our childhood, our parents, previous relationships, lost opportunities, or things that happened many years ago.
This is something I can relate to personally.
I had a difficult childhood, and of course experiences from those years affected me. I cannot pretend they did not.
But at some point I had to ask myself another question:
Why should I allow what happened then to decide the rest of my life?
I cannot change what happened. I cannot go backwards and create another childhood. But I can decide what I want to do with my life from here.
The past may explain some of the way we think, react, or behave today. Understanding that can be important. But explanation does not have to become a life sentence.
At some point, if I want something different, I have to begin taking responsibility for building something different.
That is part of the inner journey.
Change What You Can Change
Sometimes we make change much more complicated than it needs to be.
I do not have enough money. What can I change?
I am unhappy with my health. What can I change?
I do not like where my career is going. What can I change?
I keep ending up in the same situation. What can I change?
Notice that I am asking what, not how. Many people get stuck at “How am I going to do this?” and immediately see everything they do not have or cannot do. First become clear about why you want the change and what you want to change. When your why and your what are clear, the how often becomes easier to see.
The answer may not be immediate, and the solution may require time, effort, learning, difficult conversations, or uncomfortable decisions.
But blaming someone else rarely moves us forward.
A fast-food restaurant is not responsible for the fact that I stopped there when I was hungry. The restaurant can be directly on my way home, with a huge sign in front of me, but I am still the one who turns the car into the parking lot.
That does not mean every choice is easy. It means it is still a choice.
Step Out of the Blame Game
Perhaps one of the most useful things we can do is become aware of how often we blame circumstances or other people.
Not so that we can start blaming ourselves instead. That is not the point.
The point is to recognise where our own responsibility begins.
When something goes wrong, we can ask:
What part of this could I control?
What could I have done differently?
What can I learn from it?
What can I do now?
There will always be things outside our control. But we do not need to give those things control over everything that happens next.
Taking responsibility does not change the past.
It changes what we are able to do with the future.
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Related reading: Growth often requires us to look at our own patterns before looking at everyone around us. Read Understand Yourself First.
Do you tend to act quickly, avoid decisions, or look outside yourself when choices become difficult? Explore the Decision Style Test.
How do you respond when things go wrong or emotions become difficult? Explore the Emotion Style Test.
