Sometimes the Lesson Is the Result

Are You Good at Something That Is Keeping You Still?

Sometimes we find something we are good at. We understand it, feel comfortable doing it, and other people recognise us for it. They may ask for our advice or appreciate what we do. Maybe they even begin to see us as an expert.

There is nothing wrong with that. But it can also become a very comfortable place to stay.

When Recognition Becomes Part of the Reward

When people notice us and make us feel appreciated, it is easy to think that we should keep putting our energy there. We know what we are doing. We feel confident. We feel useful.

But there is a question I think we need to ask ourselves:

Is this actually taking me where I say I want to go?

Something can make us feel successful today without moving us toward the future we say we want. We may enjoy being in an environment where we feel respected while avoiding another area where we know we need to grow.

The Things We Would Rather Avoid

I know this because I have done it myself. There are things I am comfortable doing and things that require much more from me. Some days, I would much rather stay with what I already know than put myself in a situation where I feel like a beginner again.

Perhaps there is a conversation I would rather avoid. Perhaps there is a risk of rejection. Perhaps the next step means doing something I am not yet good at.

It is easier to keep doing something that makes us feel good. But if the uncomfortable part is standing between us and where we want to go, avoiding it does not make it disappear.

Being Honest About the Direction

There is nothing wrong with changing a goal. What we wanted before may no longer be what matters to us now.

But if I still want that goal, I need to be honest about whether my actions are taking me there. Am I working toward it, or am I staying where I feel confident and appreciated?

At some point, I have to make a choice. Either change the goal or begin working on the things that are keeping me from it.

Being good at something can be valuable. But I still need to ask whether it is where I want to stay.

Related reading: Recognising where comfort holds us back can help us understand why we avoid the next step. Read: The Hidden Danger of the Comfort Zone

The Mental Prison

Sometimes we are held back by something we are not even aware of. A mental prison.

We grow up surrounded by other people’s values, beliefs, and ways of looking at life. We learn from our parents, the people around us, and later from school and work. Much of that becomes so familiar that we never really question it.

We learn how things are supposed to be. How we are supposed to fit in. What we are supposed to do. And often, we follow that path without knowing what other paths might exist.

The Path We Learned to Follow

Get an education. Find a good, secure job. That was the direction I learned.

There is nothing wrong with that. If you enjoy your work and the life you are building, then you should do what feels right for you. But I think there is a difference between choosing a path and following it because it is the only one you know.

The people around us may have followed the same path themselves. They passed on what they knew. They may never have been introduced to anything different either.

When I was at school, I did not learn how to make money work for me. I did not learn that from my parents either. I understood working for money. Exchanging my time for an income. But financial understanding beyond that was something I had to begin learning for myself.

The knowledge simply was not there in the environment I grew up in. And when we do not know that other possibilities exist, it is difficult to see them as choices.

What We Learn About Mistakes

I think the way we learn to look at mistakes can become part of this too. At school, getting an answer wrong was something negative. But in life, mistakes can be part of how we learn.

When I listen to people who have built something significant, I often hear them talk about how many things went wrong along the way. They made mistakes. They tried things that did not work.

That is a very different picture from the idea that getting something wrong means you have failed. If we carry that fear of being wrong with us, it can become another part of the mental prison.

Becoming Curious About Something Else

For me, the beginning is curiosity. Being willing to ask whether there might be something beyond the way we have always done things. If you are reading blogs like this, perhaps you have already started that journey.

We can read. We can listen. We can learn from people who have done something we would like to do. There is material about financial understanding, emotional intelligence, personal development, and leadership. There are books and podcasts that can introduce us to ideas we were never taught.

Those were not things I remember learning at school. I had to look for them myself.

Whose Development Are We Working Toward?

I have also thought about the education we receive through work. In the jobs I have had, I have not felt that the purpose was to help me build the life I wanted or understand how to create something of my own. The education was connected to what the company needed.

We may be sent on a course or given an opportunity to travel somewhere for training. That can feel good. We feel that someone is investing in us. But I think it is worth understanding why that investment is being made.

From my experience, the company expects it to benefit the business. That is how I have understood it. Others may have had different experiences.

But for me, it meant that I could not expect my workplace to take responsibility for all the things I needed to learn for my own future.

A Choice That Is Actually Yours

When we begin learning about other possibilities, something changes. We have more to base our decisions on.

We may still choose the work we already do. We may want the security of a regular job. We may decide to build something of our own or explore another direction. But now we know there are alternatives. That is what matters to me.

I am not saying that one way of living is right for everyone. If you enjoy what you do, keep doing it. But I want that decision to be made on my own terms, with an understanding of what else might be possible.

Because when we can see beyond the path we grew up with, we can begin making a choice that is truly our own.

Related reading: Becoming aware of the paths we have learned to follow can also change how we think about work, time, and freedom. Read: Who Really Controls My Time?

The Blame Game

When something does not go our way, it is often easy to find someone or something else to blame.

It was because of my boss. My partner made it difficult. Everyone else does the same thing. I did not have the right opportunity. The circumstances were against me.

Sometimes those things may even be true. There are circumstances in life that we cannot control, and there are things that happen to us that are genuinely not our fault.

But there is a danger when blaming others becomes our normal response. Because the moment everything becomes someone else’s fault, we also remove responsibility from ourselves. And if we have no responsibility, we have no reason to take action.

That is where the blame game can begin to hold us back.

What Can You Actually Control?

I am not saying that everything that happens in our lives is our fault. It is not.

There are things we cannot control. Other people make decisions that affect us. Companies change. Relationships end. We may experience difficult circumstances, illness, loss, or things from our past that we never chose.

But even when we cannot control what happens, we often still have some control over what we do next. That distinction is important.

Instead of asking only, “Whose fault is this?” perhaps a more useful question is:

What can I do about it now?

That question brings responsibility back to us. And with responsibility comes the possibility of change.

The Everyday Blame Game

The blame game does not always appear in major life situations. Often it shows up in very ordinary things.

Imagine that I want to lose weight, but my partner regularly brings home chips, sweets, and other things I am trying not to eat.

I could say: “If my partner did not buy those things, I would not gain weight.”

And yes, perhaps it would be easier if my partner supported my goal and did not bring those things home. But my partner is still not the person putting the food in my mouth. That choice is mine.

Or perhaps I am unhappy with how much I earn.

“My employer will not pay me more.”

That may be completely true. Maybe the company cannot afford to pay more. Maybe they do not believe my current performance justifies a higher salary. Maybe there are other reasons.

But what can I do?

I can ask what I need to improve. I can develop new skills. I can become better at what I do. I can look for another position. I can find another way to increase my income.

I may not be able to control what my employer decides. But I can control what I decide to do next.

The same applies to something as simple as arriving late to work.

“But everyone else comes late.”

Maybe they do. But everyone else is not responsible for when I arrive. I am.

Responsibility Gives You Options

This is why I believe the blame game can be so damaging when we want to change our lives. Not physically damaging, perhaps, but damaging to our growth.

If I constantly believe that other people are responsible for where I am, then I also give those people control over whether my life can change.

I want more freedom, but someone else is stopping me. I want better health, but someone else makes it difficult. I want a better career, but my employer will not give me the opportunity. I want to fulfil my dreams, but my circumstances are wrong.

If everything depends on someone else changing first, I may wait for a very long time.

But when I begin asking what I can change, something happens. I get options again.

Not always easy options. Not always quick ones. But options.

What Are Your Mistakes Teaching You?

Blaming others can also prevent us from learning from our mistakes.

John C. Maxwell wrote a book called Failing Forward, built around the idea that failure and mistakes can become part of our growth when we learn from them.

I believe there is a lot of truth in that.

We are going to make mistakes. I have made many, and I will make more. But if every mistake immediately becomes somebody else’s fault, what am I supposed to learn from it?

If I say, “It happened because of them,” I can walk away without examining my own decisions.

If instead I ask, “What could I have done differently?” I may discover something that helps me the next time.

That does not mean taking responsibility for things that genuinely belonged to someone else. It means being willing to look honestly at the part that belonged to me.

Sometimes the Blame Goes Back Years

The blame game can also reach much further back. We can blame our childhood, our parents, previous relationships, lost opportunities, or things that happened many years ago.

This is something I can relate to personally.

I had a difficult childhood, and of course experiences from those years affected me. I cannot pretend they did not.

But at some point I had to ask myself another question:

Why should I allow what happened then to decide the rest of my life?

I cannot change what happened. I cannot go backwards and create another childhood. But I can decide what I want to do with my life from here.

The past may explain some of the way we think, react, or behave today. Understanding that can be important. But explanation does not have to become a life sentence.

At some point, if I want something different, I have to begin taking responsibility for building something different.

That is part of the inner journey.

Change What You Can Change

Sometimes we make change much more complicated than it needs to be.

I do not have enough money. What can I change?

I am unhappy with my health. What can I change?

I do not like where my career is going. What can I change?

I keep ending up in the same situation. What can I change?

Notice that I am asking what, not how. Many people get stuck at “How am I going to do this?” and immediately see everything they do not have or cannot do. First become clear about why you want the change and what you want to change. When your why and your what are clear, the how often becomes easier to see.

The answer may not be immediate, and the solution may require time, effort, learning, difficult conversations, or uncomfortable decisions.

But blaming someone else rarely moves us forward.

A fast-food restaurant is not responsible for the fact that I stopped there when I was hungry. The restaurant can be directly on my way home, with a huge sign in front of me, but I am still the one who turns the car into the parking lot.

That does not mean every choice is easy. It means it is still a choice.

Step Out of the Blame Game

Perhaps one of the most useful things we can do is become aware of how often we blame circumstances or other people.

Not so that we can start blaming ourselves instead. That is not the point.

The point is to recognise where our own responsibility begins.

When something goes wrong, we can ask:

What part of this could I control?
What could I have done differently?
What can I learn from it?
What can I do now?

There will always be things outside our control. But we do not need to give those things control over everything that happens next.

Taking responsibility does not change the past.

It changes what we are able to do with the future.

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Related reading: Growth often requires us to look at our own patterns before looking at everyone around us. Read Understand Yourself First.

Do you tend to act quickly, avoid decisions, or look outside yourself when choices become difficult? Explore the Decision Style Test.

How do you respond when things go wrong or emotions become difficult? Explore the Emotion Style Test.