Does It Inspire You—or Make You Feel Behind?

The Blame Game

When something does not go our way, it is often easy to find someone or something else to blame.

It was because of my boss. My partner made it difficult. Everyone else does the same thing. I did not have the right opportunity. The circumstances were against me.

Sometimes those things may even be true. There are circumstances in life that we cannot control, and there are things that happen to us that are genuinely not our fault.

But there is a danger when blaming others becomes our normal response. Because the moment everything becomes someone else’s fault, we also remove responsibility from ourselves. And if we have no responsibility, we have no reason to take action.

That is where the blame game can begin to hold us back.

What Can You Actually Control?

I am not saying that everything that happens in our lives is our fault. It is not.

There are things we cannot control. Other people make decisions that affect us. Companies change. Relationships end. We may experience difficult circumstances, illness, loss, or things from our past that we never chose.

But even when we cannot control what happens, we often still have some control over what we do next. That distinction is important.

Instead of asking only, “Whose fault is this?” perhaps a more useful question is:

What can I do about it now?

That question brings responsibility back to us. And with responsibility comes the possibility of change.

The Everyday Blame Game

The blame game does not always appear in major life situations. Often it shows up in very ordinary things.

Imagine that I want to lose weight, but my partner regularly brings home chips, sweets, and other things I am trying not to eat.

I could say: “If my partner did not buy those things, I would not gain weight.”

And yes, perhaps it would be easier if my partner supported my goal and did not bring those things home. But my partner is still not the person putting the food in my mouth. That choice is mine.

Or perhaps I am unhappy with how much I earn.

“My employer will not pay me more.”

That may be completely true. Maybe the company cannot afford to pay more. Maybe they do not believe my current performance justifies a higher salary. Maybe there are other reasons.

But what can I do?

I can ask what I need to improve. I can develop new skills. I can become better at what I do. I can look for another position. I can find another way to increase my income.

I may not be able to control what my employer decides. But I can control what I decide to do next.

The same applies to something as simple as arriving late to work.

“But everyone else comes late.”

Maybe they do. But everyone else is not responsible for when I arrive. I am.

Responsibility Gives You Options

This is why I believe the blame game can be so damaging when we want to change our lives. Not physically damaging, perhaps, but damaging to our growth.

If I constantly believe that other people are responsible for where I am, then I also give those people control over whether my life can change.

I want more freedom, but someone else is stopping me. I want better health, but someone else makes it difficult. I want a better career, but my employer will not give me the opportunity. I want to fulfil my dreams, but my circumstances are wrong.

If everything depends on someone else changing first, I may wait for a very long time.

But when I begin asking what I can change, something happens. I get options again.

Not always easy options. Not always quick ones. But options.

What Are Your Mistakes Teaching You?

Blaming others can also prevent us from learning from our mistakes.

John C. Maxwell wrote a book called Failing Forward, built around the idea that failure and mistakes can become part of our growth when we learn from them.

I believe there is a lot of truth in that.

We are going to make mistakes. I have made many, and I will make more. But if every mistake immediately becomes somebody else’s fault, what am I supposed to learn from it?

If I say, “It happened because of them,” I can walk away without examining my own decisions.

If instead I ask, “What could I have done differently?” I may discover something that helps me the next time.

That does not mean taking responsibility for things that genuinely belonged to someone else. It means being willing to look honestly at the part that belonged to me.

Sometimes the Blame Goes Back Years

The blame game can also reach much further back. We can blame our childhood, our parents, previous relationships, lost opportunities, or things that happened many years ago.

This is something I can relate to personally.

I had a difficult childhood, and of course experiences from those years affected me. I cannot pretend they did not.

But at some point I had to ask myself another question:

Why should I allow what happened then to decide the rest of my life?

I cannot change what happened. I cannot go backwards and create another childhood. But I can decide what I want to do with my life from here.

The past may explain some of the way we think, react, or behave today. Understanding that can be important. But explanation does not have to become a life sentence.

At some point, if I want something different, I have to begin taking responsibility for building something different.

That is part of the inner journey.

Change What You Can Change

Sometimes we make change much more complicated than it needs to be.

I do not have enough money. What can I change?

I am unhappy with my health. What can I change?

I do not like where my career is going. What can I change?

I keep ending up in the same situation. What can I change?

Notice that I am asking what, not how. Many people get stuck at “How am I going to do this?” and immediately see everything they do not have or cannot do. First become clear about why you want the change and what you want to change. When your why and your what are clear, the how often becomes easier to see.

The answer may not be immediate, and the solution may require time, effort, learning, difficult conversations, or uncomfortable decisions.

But blaming someone else rarely moves us forward.

A fast-food restaurant is not responsible for the fact that I stopped there when I was hungry. The restaurant can be directly on my way home, with a huge sign in front of me, but I am still the one who turns the car into the parking lot.

That does not mean every choice is easy. It means it is still a choice.

Step Out of the Blame Game

Perhaps one of the most useful things we can do is become aware of how often we blame circumstances or other people.

Not so that we can start blaming ourselves instead. That is not the point.

The point is to recognise where our own responsibility begins.

When something goes wrong, we can ask:

What part of this could I control?
What could I have done differently?
What can I learn from it?
What can I do now?

There will always be things outside our control. But we do not need to give those things control over everything that happens next.

Taking responsibility does not change the past.

It changes what we are able to do with the future.

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Related reading: Growth often requires us to look at our own patterns before looking at everyone around us. Read Understand Yourself First.

Do you tend to act quickly, avoid decisions, or look outside yourself when choices become difficult? Explore the Decision Style Test.

How do you respond when things go wrong or emotions become difficult? Explore the Emotion Style Test.

Your Vision Is Yours

Not everyone will understand your vision.

Not everyone will support it. And not everyone who says they are interested will actually take the time to understand what you are trying to build.

I have experienced this myself with Equipido.

I have shown it to people who are interested in personal development. I have given them the opportunity to try it, explore it and even receive a detailed report without paying for it.

Some said they were interested.

But they never did it.

At first, that can be frustrating. You start wondering why they cannot see what you see.

But then I realised something important:

It is my vision, not theirs.

I cannot expect another person to feel the same excitement about something that I have spent months or years thinking about, building and believing in.

Their lack of interest does not mean the idea is wrong.

And their lack of action does not mean I should stop.

They Do Not Need to See What You See

When you have an idea, a goal or something you want to build, it is natural to want support from the people around you.

But sometimes we put too much weight on their reaction.

Someone may not understand why you want to change career, start a business or spend evenings and weekends working toward something that does not exist yet.

That is okay.

They are looking at your vision through their own experiences, priorities and beliefs.

You are looking at it through yours.

Your vision does not become less valuable because someone else cannot see it.

Sometimes the Lesson Is the Result

Around 15 or 20 years ago, I had an idea to build an online community for Christians — something similar to a social network.

I believed in the idea even though very few people around me did.

This was long before AI made it possible to build things the way we can today, so I had to pay people to help me develop it. I invested a significant amount of money in the project.

It never became what I had imagined.

But I do not look at that money as wasted.

The project taught me something important about myself.

I realised that I was very good at coming up with ideas and creating things, but at that time I was not equally good at driving them forward and turning them into something sustainable.

That was an important lesson.

People spend money on education all the time. In many ways, that project was part of my education.

Sometimes the return on an idea is not the business you hoped to build. Sometimes it is what the experience teaches you about yourself.

You Still Have to Try

Believing in something does not guarantee that it will work.

You may try and fail.

You may discover that part of your idea was wrong. You may have to change direction, learn something new or start again.

But that is very different from never trying because someone else did not believe in it.

If you try and it does not work, learn from it.

If something needs to change, change it.

Then keep moving.

Because even if you fail, you have still done something many people never do.

You tried.

Sometimes the first person who needs to believe in your vision is simply you.

Related reading: When you build something you believe in, fear and doubt often come with it. Read: Fear and Doubt Are Part of Growth

It Starts With You

It is easy to say that we want something different.
A better career. Better health. More freedom. A stronger business. Personal growth. Whatever success means to us.
But there is another question that may be more important:
Are we willing to become the person who can create that result?
Because wanting something and being willing to do what it requires are not always the same thing.

When Comfortable Starts to Feel Like Progress

Sometimes we find something we are good at.
We understand it. We feel comfortable doing it. Other people recognise us for it. Maybe they ask for our advice, appreciate what we do or even begin to see us as an expert.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
But it can also become a very comfortable place to stay.
Especially when recognition becomes part of the reward.
When people notice us, appreciate us and make us feel important, it is easy to think:
This must be where I should focus.
Maybe it is.

But there is another question worth asking:

Is this actually taking me where I say I want to go?
Those two things are not always the same.
Something can make us feel successful today without necessarily moving us toward the future we say we want.

Be Honest About What Is Holding You Back

This is where being honest with ourselves becomes difficult.
Sometimes the things we avoid are exactly the things we need to work on.
Maybe we avoid situations where we might be rejected.
Maybe we avoid conversations that make us uncomfortable.
Maybe we stay with the things we already know because starting again would make us feel like a beginner.
Maybe we enjoy being in an environment where we feel confident and respected, while quietly avoiding another area where we know we need to grow.
It is much easier to continue doing something that makes us feel good than to look at the parts of ourselves that may be holding us back.
I know this because I have done it myself.
There are things I am comfortable doing and things that require much more from me. There are days when I would much rather stay with what I already know than push myself into something uncomfortable.

But if the uncomfortable part is standing between me and where I want to go, avoiding it does not make it disappear.

Does Your Goal Match Your Actions?

There is nothing wrong with changing your goal.
Maybe what you wanted five years ago is no longer important to you. Maybe your definition of success has changed.
That is perfectly okay.
Success does not have to mean money, status or building something huge. For one person it may mean freedom. For another it may mean family, health, contribution, peace of mind or simply having more control over their time.
But whatever your goal is, I believe we owe it to ourselves to be honest about it.
If I say I want one result while deliberately avoiding the actions required to create it, there is a gap between what I say and what I do.
I cannot keep saying I want the destination while refusing to travel the road that leads there.
At some point I have to make a choice.
Either change the goal.
Or start working on the things that are keeping me from it.

No One Else Can Do That Work for You

A mentor can help you.
A leader can guide you.
A coach can challenge you, teach you and sometimes see things in you that you cannot yet see yourself.
But they cannot do the work for you.
And if you are not willing to invest in your own development, why should you expect somebody else to invest more in your future than you do?
That does not mean you have to have everything figured out.
It does not mean you cannot be afraid.
It does not mean you will always feel motivated.
It simply means being willing to work on yourself — especially the parts that are easier to avoid.
Because sometimes the biggest obstacle between where we are and where we want to be is not a lack of opportunity.
It is something within ourselves that we have not been willing to face yet.
And that is where real growth starts.
It starts with you.

Related reading: The Hidden Danger of the Comfort Zone